A Life's Walk with Cancer

WHAT THINGS NOT TO SAY WHEN TALKING TO A CANCER PATIENT

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 “Remember that the person you know with cancer may find it hard to ask for help or may be worried about seeming weak or vulnerable. Telling a person, “You’re so brave,” or “You’re so strong,” can put pressure on them to act strong when they may not feel up to it. Families can put subtle pressure on people with cancer by expecting or needing them to be strong all the time. In that case, you might play an important role for a friend who has cancer. They may know you well and trust you enough to confide in you. This kind of relationship can be a great gift for a person facing cancer.” – American Cancer Society^®

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So, what do you think is the commonest question that my wife and I get almost on a daily basis? And it's definitely not, "Would you like an all-around, all-expenses paid vacation to Italy?" That would be an awesome question for us both. But seriously, when talking to a family member, friend, or colleague who has…or has had…cancer, it would be better to hold your tongue when thinking to ask, "How are you doing?" These words, despite their tender meaning, are really not helpful to someone fighting cancer (or who has just finished treatment). 

Being first diagnosed with cancer was the hardest moment I’ve had to face in life. But being told that your cancer is spreading to other parts of the body, well…I just don’t have the words to describe how I feel sometimes. In fact, for me, having to fight cancer is much harder – both mentally and physically – compared when I was a Marine serving in the first Gulf War. And hearing words like, "How are you doing" or "Everything will be fine" is definitely a damper on my confidence and esteem.

I know what you must be thinking? How can a simple statement, "How are you doing?" be wrong, albeit well-intended, to say to someone with cancer? I realize the person asking, "How are you doing" is intended to make me feel supported and cared about. However, despite this commonly asked question, it tends to have a negative impact on those who are facing a life-threatening disease.

When talking to a family member, friend, or colleague, I would recommend the following “don’t and bite your tongue” type of questions or comments:

1. "How are you doing?"
2. "You're going to be fine"
3. "God told me that you’re going to be healed!" … I’ve been hearing this since my first diagnosis with Stage III in 2013, then Stage IV in 2016, and now with Advanced Stage IV. 
4. "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" … this is what you say when their trial is over.
5. "My problems are not as bad of what you’re going through" … this is a no-no. Never compare your circumstance(s) with a cancer patient. This statement may place them in an uncomfortable mental state.
6. "I have a [friend, cousin, grandmother, relative, dog, fish, cat, hamster, or whatever] who survived cancer" … every cancer patient’s situation is unique. There are no two individuals diagnosed with the same cancer will experience the disease in the same way. Why? Our bodies and minds and cellular make up are different.
7. "My [friend, cousin, grandmother, relative, dog, fish, cat, hamster, or whatever] just died of cancer" … this is probably the worst thing you can say to a cancer patient.
8. "And the third time is a charm!" … hmm, maybe not.

So, you might be wondering then, "What do I say to someone who has…or has had…cancer?"

I came across an article in Prevention magazine, where author Melissa Fiorenza suggested that people should say, "I feel terrible you’re going through this. Feel free to cry with me, to talk, or not to talk. I’ll take my lead from you." Another great example was recently given to me in a sympathy card with the words, "Be brave. Be strong. Be you." (Thanks, Bev!) Also, I would recommend these statements, as well, when talking to someone with cancer:

• "Tell me what’s helpful and what’s not."
• "Tell me whether you want to be alone or want company."
• "Tell me what to bring and when to leave."
• "What can I do help."
• "The way you fight cancer inspires me."
• "You will get through this no matter what the end brings."

Try these helpful tips and techniques (Source: Cancer Treatment Centers of America) when talking to someone with cancer. And check out "When Someone You Know Has Cancer" from American Cancer Society^®.

To learn more about what not to say, columnist Jane E. Brody’s article, "What Not to Say to a Cancer Patient" offers some good advice on additional suggested "Don’ts."

With all said and done...I know there will be more "How are you doing Alex?" questions coming my way, especially from strangers. Ya know, maybe I can charge a dime for every time someone asks me that question. If I did get a dime for every time someone asked, "Alex, how are you doing?", I would be able to pay for that vacation to Italy :-)

 

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Prayer Request: Dear Heavenly Father, please give Alex and Teresa the strength and peace as they continue to fight against cancer. Alex is weak, Father. His body aches. Please give him the comfort and support to live and work each day. Help him to realize and embrace the fact that life doesn’t stop for him. So, please give him that Marine spirit to fight with a positive attitude and tenacity, despite having cancer. And I pray that Alex will "always place his hope in you for renewed strength. And that he will soar on wings like an eagles; he will run and not grow weary, he will walk and not be faint" (Isaiah 40:31). If it’s by your will, dear Lord, and only by your will, heal and restore Alex physically. However, if you decide to take him home, then give Alex the peace as he walks his last path on earth. Amen.

Clinical Notes: Last week, I underwent two drug infusions: one was a clinical trial drug and the other an FDA approved one. Currently, I am enduring some side effects.

Photo journal here.

ah

PS: Just a little humor :-)

 

 

YOU CAN’T DIE BEFORE YOU DIE

 

(Source: The Unbounded Spirit, https://goo.gl/QpFxYe)

 

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“God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well.” – Voltaire 

“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.” – Dale Carnegie 

“I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” – Philippians 1:20-21

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As I was heading home from a meeting yesterday in downtown Washington, D.C., I encountered a happenstance moment by bumping into a former colleague, who I worked with at U.S. Customs and Border Protection. Sandy is one of those individuals who can always cheer up your spirits with her warm-hearted laughter and welcoming eyes. During our engaged conversation, amid passers-by hustling about us, she quickly interjected a convicting epigram after I was going down the woebegone road of “if I die from cancer” scenario.

“If this cancer takes me, I just want to die among those that I care about” I said.

Together, with a penetrating stare and an incisive response, “Alex, you can’t die before you die,” Sandy quickly responded.

Of all the statements conveyed to me following my third diagnosis with cancer, by far…without question…Sandy’s words “You can’t die before you die” struck a convicting chord within me.

I’ve been so focused on preparing for the possibility of facing my own mortality that that I had unintendedly started to relinquish the life I am living today.

• A life with my soul mate.
• A life with my family, loved ones, and friends.
• A life that includes my aspirations and goals and dreams.
• A life dedicated to Yeshua and His teachings.

I am so thankful for Sandy’s penetrating epigram.

I will now hold “You can’t die before you die” as a banner flying in the wind to remind me to focus on the gift of life today. And to let tomorrow take care of tomorrow, regardless of the outcome with cancer. In truth, to live like Paul (Philippians 1:20-21) by surrendering to circumstances that I cannot control, while choosing to live life today, with both standards tethered to God’s promise to always be in me (John 17:20-23, 25-26).

One of my favorite heroes in life is John Wooden, who was raised on a small farm in southcentral Indiana and led an unparalleled career at UCLA as a coach, husband, father and teacher. He embodied his father’s written decree of how to live life in the following Seven Things to Do, published in “Wooden: A Lifetime of Observations and Reflections On and Off the Court” (1997):

1. Be true to yourself.
2. Help others.
3. Make each day your masterpiece.
4. Drink deeply from good books, especially the Bible.
5. Make friendship a fine art.
6. Build a shelter against a rainy day.
7. Pray for guidance and count and give thanks for your blessings every day.

 

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Prayer Request: Dear Heavenly Father, help me live a life today that truly exemplifies your love, while at the same time enjoying my true being. Show me how to use my gifts for others. Give me the wisdom to make each day my own masterpiece. Help me be more fully aware of what I see, taste, hear, smell, and touch. Give me the strength to be true to myself and to others, speaking words of encouragement and conviction, together with the service of my hands and mind. Draw those close to me that I can be used as your vessel. Help me see life as a celebration, a gift for each day to be delighted in, cherished and enjoyed. And give me the strength to embrace circumstances that I can control and surrendered to those that I cannot. Amen.

Clinical Notes: Next week, I will have to undergo another biopsy on August 24, followed by another round of chemotherapy infusion, Friday, Aug. 25.

Photo journal here.

ajh

 

 

 

SITTING ON THE FATHER’S LAP

 

 “For I live in eager expectation and hope that I will never do anything that will cause me to be ashamed of myself but that I will always be ready to speak out boldly for [Yeshua] while I am going through all these trials here, just as I have in the past; and that I will always be an honor to [Yeshua], whether I live or whether I must die. For to me, living means opportunities for [Yeshua], and dying—well, that’s better yet!” (Philippians 1:20-21)

 “I will never leave your side. When you move on from this life to the next, My Presence beside you will shine brighter with each step. You have nothing to fear, because I am with you for all time and throughout eternity.” (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, pg. 237)

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One of my favorite routines in life is getting up early in the morning while it is still dark and quiet, pouring myself a cup of hot coffee, and sitting down in our kitchen nook. And then I open up the Bible, along with a devotional and journal lying next to it. With a child-like eagerness and anticipation...like a young boy sitting on his father’s lap...I begin to read and hope for something that will resonate in my heart. When I come across a scripture verse that seems to tug at my heart, I open up my journal and begin to write. I allow the pen to dance alongside the stirring within my heart.

When I was diagnosed with advanced Stage IV cancer...

I struggled for some time on how to write about it. After my first diagnosis with cancer in 2013, I journaled mostly about the event itself – i.e., surgery, chemotherapy, side effects, etc. When the cancer had metastasized to another part of my body in 2016, I notated about my perspective on life’s meaning and lessons gained from having cancer, which led to one of my blogs being published by a third party (“For the First Time, My Wife Thanked God for My Cancer”). However, I rather not journal entirely about me this time having advanced Stage IV cancer. My hope and prayer, if you continue reading my blogs on this site, is that you will see God in my writing, treatment, and life. And by seeing Him in me, you will be blessed with the hope that you can see Him...as I see the Father.

Just as a young boy sitting on his father’s lap waiting in anticipation for a blessing, such as a toy or loving hug, I invite you to join me and sit around His chair during my morning devotionals. I can’t tell you how, where, or when the Father will give a blessing, but I do know this: we will indeed walk away with some type of blessing. But, we cannot force our prayers unto Him, just like you can't fit the ocean into a bucket.

We have to accept whatever blessing He so chooses to give you and I.

Author and cancer survivor Lynn Eib writes:

“God will bring [a] blessing through your trial because you matter greatly to Him and He longs to show you that. He may bless you with physical healing, or He may bless you by healing you emotionally of some deep-seated hurts. He may bless you spiritually with the joy of knowing Him in a way you never have before. Or he may bless others through you in unimaginable ways.”

I do seek a blessing from Him. However, as I've fought cancer for just over four years, I’ve learned to give up my own will and surrender to His.

So, join me.

Pour yourself a cup of hot coffee.

And sit with me.

Let's together wait and see what He has to say.

I know one thing for certain, we’ll walk away with a blessing…guaranteed!

ajh

 

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Prayer Request: “Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that out of your glorious riches you may strengthen me with power through your Spirit in my inner being, so that Yeshua may dwell in my heart, and through my faith.  As a small boy sitting on his father’s lap, show me how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Yeshua, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that I will be filled to the measure of all the fullness of your love. Amen.”

Clinical Note: I’ve finished my first infusion treatment on Friday, Aug. 11. I will have to undergo an infusion every two weeks for over a year.

Joining Teresa and I is my good friend and former Pentagon colleague, Lt. Col. Lou Leto (Ret.), Inova Melanoma and Skin Cancer Center, Fairfax, Va. Aug. 11, 2017. He sat there with me like a true trooper. Thanks Lou!

ON THE ROPES, DAZED AND HURTING

 

I do not know how to be strong right now, ever since learning that the cancer has spread. 

I’ve been walking in a dazed and staggered mental state.

Dumbfounded.

Frustrated.

I am struggling to accept yet another fight. The only thing I do know is that when I look at the facts – Stage III cancer n 2013, Stage IV in 2016, and today in advanced Stage IV – my life, with all its desires, hopes, and aspirations, seems to be coming to a close.

But someone would say, “Enough Alex, you’re going to beat this!” Despite their good intentions behind these words, these types of statements are easy to say for someone who has yet to face their own mortality. I do not have that luxury. I cannot just sit on the side and watch, such as a spectator who observes two pugilists exchange a rhythm of punches in a boxing match. A spectator can see the exchange of punches, but they do not intimately know the sharp sting of a well-landed jab or how the sweat burns a swollen eye. Nevertheless, I don't hold those words against them. How would anyone understand a life with cancer if they have not faced the fire themselves?  

But despite feeling dazed and dumbfounded at this time, I do know this: I will fight for my love. I will fight for the one person who made me into a better man. Who saw something more in me than I could ever see in myself. She is the one right now that will keep me going. How can I stop fighting while she chooses to stand alongside me during this time? If I cannot fight for me right now, then I must fight for her! If I cannot fight for me...or for her...then maybe this precious life should be taken away from me.

Someone recently told me, “Find your narrative in this trial.” I must admit that I’ve not yet found my narrative footing at this beginning of this third round. But I do know this. As a former boxer, when you’re against the ropes, you just have to keep your elbows tucked against your side, fists up to protect your face, and wait for that moment to fight your way off the ropes. 

And if this is my last round, then I will make this cancer bleed and hurt before it beats me. And, for that matter, if hell gets in the way, then I just might have to break it into bits as well.

I am not feeling strong right now, but I will fight. Because, if a man does not fight for his loved ones, well, then maybe he should join that spectator outside the ring and watch.

ajh

ALEX'S FIGHTING BRIGADE

I would like to extend my sincerest appreciation for your continued support and thoughtful comments during my fight against cancer that started in 2013.

As most of you know, I was recently diagnosed with Advanced Stage IV Melanoma Cancer, which means that it has spread to other parts in my body. In order to prolong my life, Teresa and I have decided to take part in a clinical trial, combined with a FDA-approved chemo treatment. I begin treatment this Friday, August 11. 

Since 2013, my cancer has spread from Stage III to Stage IV (2016) to Advanced Stage IV, only giving me about a year in remission between each treatment. To say the least, this fight is going to be a tough one. 

However, my focus is to not only fight like hell, but to fight for Teresa even more. This time around, I am taking the necessary steps to make sure she has the support and benefits...in case this cancer takes my life. Also, I just want to lessen the burden on Teresa, who serves as my primary caregiver during my treatments. She is an amazing helpmate, wife, and best friend. But she cannot do it all – especially during this time as we undergo a clinical trial (I just do not know what the side effects are going to do to me).

Call to Arms: “Alex Fighting Brigade” 

Before I start treatment this Friday, I’d like to ask for your support. I’ve prepared the following “Sign-up” schedules for transportation, meal delivery, and visitation:  

• Alex's Chemo Treatment Schedule – anyone can go to https://goo.gl/S3TdFV and fill out the treatment schedule sign up list. All they have to do is type their name, email, and phone number in the corresponding day/date/time row. 

• Alex's Meal Delivery – anyone can go to https://goo.gl/hHbcsF and fill out the meal delivery schedule. They can also use “Take Them A Meal” located at http://www.takethemameal.com/index.php. You can sign up by typing "HARRINGTON" in the RECIPIENT LAST NAME box and "Fighter" in the PASSWORD box.  

• Visitation Schedule – anyone can go to https://goo.gl/fpCaVm to sign up to visit on a Saturday following each infusion session.  

Also, the following link provides some good information about how to help someone who has cancer: http://www.cancer.net/coping-with-cancer/talking-with-family-and-friends/supporting-friend-who-has-cancer.

Again, thank you for your continued support and thoughtful comments during my fight against cancer that started in 2013. 

ajh